Awake Again

Awake again. 

I stare searching for something; stagnating in silence

Refusing sleep even as it overtakes me

.Like any obstinate child. 

.Insomnia's an excuse; just a deflection from reality

.Ever-wishing to be and to get...

.Somewhere

In the dark, sleep is the enemy

No progress is made in slumber; resist, 

.Make the eyes stay open, keep the dreams at bay

.Every night spent awake is a morning put off.

Why shut out the dreams, why stave off the morning? 

How have 'new beginnings' lost their allure?

Yearning only for an accomplished reality, no longer the journey there.

Too aware of past let downs, realities that steal possibilities, mistakes that are inescapable. A future that promises hope and wonder, but my mind sees an oasis projected onto perception by a mere mirage. The future is foggy and illusive and I've known so many sure things to give way. Shocks and pains that stay. They last day after whiled away day. Attempting to hide in my subconscious. Myriad unprocessed experiences coalesce into one imposing entity. Making a home for itself down deep in the synapses and locked away clutter. Pushing out "insomnia," "boredom," "I'm just a night owl, always have been" as its cover. It burrows ever deeper. Deflection. I am evading myself, and convincing others I believe my own 'simple explanations for all this.'

Don't look at it! Who knows how big it's grown, how deep it's gone, how much is yet unknown! If you unleash it, you'll have to battle it on your own, and you don't have time for that. 
You're striving, searching, seeking a better tomorrow, the secret pathway, the back door, the password. Trying to just GET THERE, and THEN there will be time to... no, STOP! 
It's a lie. There will never be time. Life doesn't throw barrels at you while you run up a series of slopes and ladders trying to just overcome and get there! When you get to the top of that slope, you don't win, you don't save the day, and you defintiely don't kick your feet up and suddenly live in leisure and luxury.
No, life rushes you on to the next level. ALWAYS. Life is perpetual, we keep going no matter where we are. 
The entity in my head, so desperate to disappear, becomes more convincing. Burrowing into my psyche, I believe I can put things off, push them out, put them in the storage shed until I get to "THAT PLACE" with more time, and better circumstances. I believe I can put off the morning if I can just keep typing. I can be "Fine" if I just ignore it hard enough, if I look away...
I'm sure plenty of people are worse off anyway...