Progress

Do you, like me, ever sit around thinking about things you'd like to be able to do or do better, but then never get around to putting those wistful thoughts to work? 

I want to be able to more gymnastic maneuvers; my cousin was a cheerleader when we were kids and she would teach me tricks when she came over. I never took gymnastics, I was never in dance, or anything like that, but because of my cousin I learned to do cartwheels, certain feats of flexibility, basket tosses, back bends etc. (I "learned" to do the splits by doing a cartwheel in the mud one day to impress my grandma, I slipped, and I have been able to do the splits in that direction -without stretching- every day since). 

But I've always wanted to be able to do back-walk-overs, a simple hand stand, maybe even a back handspring or a back flip... yet aside from practicing handstands against my bedroom wall, I've never done anything to progress toward accomplishing those things. 

I mentally set out to accomplish things, but rarely think of those things during my free time. I studied Mandarin all four years of my undergrad, but I'm not yet fluent and I am quickly forgetting much of what I learned. I plan to review all my old texts systematically and study with the Chinese computer learning program my dad bought me, but I haven't gotten around to either of those things. 

I want to get back in shape, but other than jogging up and down my stairs a few times a day, I've done little to that end. 

I want to finally learn how to slide on my long board so that I can check my speed on fast hills, I LIVE at the top of a decent enough hill, and I still haven't learned after two and a half years of skating. 

I keep going through the motions of preparing myself to get a job, but do I have a new job yet? No. And the number of applications I've actually put in is pitiful. 

I still haven't sent thank you cards to all the generous people who thought of me during my graduation back in June, which is plain negligent and makes me seem ungrateful.

I want to start reading the Bible from the beginning, to study it more in depth and iron out/solidify my beliefs. 

I LOVE dancing. I dance every day without fail whether it be a few silly moves as I bee bop around my house or a performance I've worked on for awhile. I want that to be something real and significant in my life. I want to take some real classes, find a dance crew/troupe/company to become a part of and I want to perform regularly in various styles of dance. 

I constantly imagine clothing ideas and designs I'd like to wear. I own fabric scissors, scrap fabric, and sewing materials, and I have a grandmother who owns her own quilting business and is skilled in making clothing. Why am I afraid to experiment? Why don't I at least TRY to create one of the ideas in my head?

(I know part of the answer to that already. I am a perfectionist who grew up poor, and am both too afraid of messing up and too afraid of wasting materials to start something I'm not certain I can accomplish satisfactorily)

I want to take my art to the next level. Want to explore my painting abilities and new mediums as up till now I have been to afraid to venture out, and limit my art to doodles on a notebook page for the most part. I want to be able to produce pieces that someone would desire to own and display. Not because I want the money, but because I want to know my art means something to someone other than just me. 

In the same line, I want to become a better writer. I can wax eloquent or intellectual when needed, I always got outstanding marks in school, and when I take the time and put in the effort I can occasionally even accomplish a borderline poetic profundity. But the vast majority of the time I just spit out words as I think them, with little thought to diction other than "Don't use that "good" word more than once, or at least not more than twice!" I could produce a higher quality if I took the time, but more often I wait so long in between writings that I just want to get some thoughts out and fast; the result is an onslaught of half-executed thoughts in type face. 

I could go on ad nauseum, but I think I'll stop there. The fact is, I am very ambitious in my thoughts, but there is a consistent disconnect between those thoughts and the actions necessary to accomplish them. It's not that I don't know how to get where I want, it's that I don't do the work necessary for whatever reason. 

Time to find that reason and start living the life I want to live as the person I want to be! 

No excuses. No more fear of failure.

Time to start living and learning purposefully.