Well, I want to write, because I feel like I need to get some stuff out of my head... but I just don't know how to start or what to say. There's so much, too much. It's overwhelming. Max. I love him. But what can I do? He doesn't want to be an "us" anymore and it takes two people to agree to be a "we" ... so he's a "he" and I'm a "me" and I miss him terribly. There are good days and bad days, up days and down days and some that are in between.... I feel like I'm writing a Dr. Seuss book right now... lol. This summer so far I've had lots of fun and done lots of work and tend to stay distracted... Max and I still talk almost daily, a text here of there or a goodnight call, but nothing's like before. He says it's not even a struggle for him anymore... he's just accepted it. But how can you just accept that a love so wonderful is just over with after more than a year? I met him in January of 2010 and we started dating in April. Every day together was a wild adventure and of course there were bad times but we always got through them, every one of them, together. We skated, took shortcuts, climbed trees, jumped fences, clambered over walls, climbed onto roofs, explored, wondered, ran, laughed, we also studied, cried, stressed, worried and a host of negatives, but the good always far outweighed the bad, even when school and work started gaining the upper hand. I can't just "accept it" and I can't understand how he could. How he could kill our love and then get over it so fast... sure he did cuz he thinks it's what's best for us both in the scheme of things.... but how could it be so easy for him? So simple to throw us away. He meant everything to me for such a very long time, and now I'm supposed to suck it up, be independent, and move on? How? I haven't cried in awhile, several days at least, so that's something good, but is it because I'm healing or simply ignoring? I feel like my brain has been divided and certain things are now off limits. I can't think to hard about us or him or how much love and longing there is. My body realized how much it was hurting me and walled off the dangerous emotions. I feel handicapped. I can't bring myself to look at pictures of us, or to think of and relive old memories of us, I can't think to long about all the things I'm going to miss, can't devote any energy to the hope of restored bliss. For the first time since before I met him I woke up and didn't think of him first the other day. That happened two days in a row in fact, and yeah I had something specific to wake up for and focus on (our garage sale), but still, to wake up and not have my mind instantly go to him was foreign and alien when I realized it. There still has never been an entire day where I haven't thought about him. He is a part of me and I don't know how to "accept" the fact that that part has been taken away and that my best friend and boyfriend Maxwell Jasper Flanders now exists only as a distant friend in a far away place... when we talk on the phone it's nice, but something's not right and something's not real. We laugh and tease and go over our days, but with hands tied behind our backs; we can't call each other sweet nicknames, and I can't detail the ways I love him, I can't tell him that his laugh is adorable and his thoughts are endearing, I can't explain how much I want him back and that he's the only man I want, can't even entirely grasp the fact that this is actually over... that's why I can't move on. My head and my heart still have hope, hope that we'll get back together. After all he's done this before... twice before now he's dumped me and said it was over, said it was for the best, and that we'd be better off apart, and twice before he changed his mind, and came back. So is it any wonder that I just keep living in this fantasy that this separation cannot be? That by the end of summer you'll see, he'll be coming back to me? But somehow I don't believe that either. I don't believe we're broken up and I don't believe he'll be mine again either... what do I believe? What do I think? I cannot process it all at once. I desperately want him back, but then, it has been somewhat freeing... I don't worry about him near as much, though I care just the same, I don't stress when he doesn't text back, but merely enjoy when he does, I don't have to worry about giving him my best, I can live my life for me and I get more rest. I am not giving him time that I need to devote elsewhere anymore, and I'm not constantly stressed that I may have upset him or I need to plan something sweet for him next. I'm not worried about that party and whether he'll be hung over, I don't have to try and take care of him or worry about keeping him happy. I can do what I want, how I want, without his opinions and without having to accommodate his desires and schedules! I can flirt meaninglessly with random guys if I want to, I can go out dancing any style I choose and not worry that it might not be something he wants to do. I am independent and I have regained my freedom... but I'm not sure I want it. I LOVE him, and though with him I had less freedom, it was always worth it to me. It was always worth missing a night out dancing to see him smile and talk with him awhile. It was always worth it to support him and ease his stress rather than skate around outside or exchange pleasantries with friends. I loved his kisses, his smiles, his thoughts, and his kindness. I loved how eager he was, how excitable, and cute, and sweet and energetic; I loved that he always embraced my weirdness. Never once did he give me one of those judgmental stares that says "How old are you?" "Are you serious?" or "What are you thinking?" never once did he try to squash my quirks or my wild spirit. Instead he would go with it, he would try the weird ideas right along with me, and he would go with enthusiasm to explore the possibilities. No one in my entire life has ever been like that before. Not any of my exes and not my parents for sure. I've always been scolded, reprimanded, or stared at; teased and mocked, questioned and laughed at... Max was so different and so uplifting. He ALWAYS tried his best to make me feel better about myself, and my self esteem thanks him for that. I guess I'm just worried that I'll never find someone like him again... never find someone so dorky and brilliant and endearing and loving, so funny and cute and random and accepting... I'm worried because he is by far the best guy I have ever dated and what if he is the only one who can be so good to me? He treated me WAY better than I ever deserved, how can I expect to find another guy like him? But I guess I know better.... I know that God holds my future. I know that God has a life worked out for me and a husband already planned. God wouldn't take Maxwell from me and give me something worse. I have to simply trust that God knows what's best, even if it hurts, and that He will give me what I need. God will either give Max back to me at some later date, or He will bring someone better into my life. Though right now "someone better" seems like an impossibility, if Max and I are not meant to be, then God surely has a better match in store. And not just for me, but for Max as well. God will smooth things over and make it all okay again. I just have to be patient and trusting in the mean time. The answers will come and though I want to know now, I'll have to rest in the assurance that whatever is meant to be will be and that God will get me through whatever takes place in the meantime. I have to remember not to focus on the what ifs and the pain, but God's promises instead. Nothing is impossible with God after all. Max and I WILL get back together if it's part of God's plan for me, if it isn't, then I will have to wait patiently for God to bring me my Mr. Right. As much as I love Max, if God has someone better for me in store, then how much will I love him? Whoever that mystery man would be would absolutely blow my mind, because so far, Max is hands down the best boyfriend I have ever had, and is all a girl could ever ask for. Sure he has his faults, like everyone else, but he is just so wonderful.... Any girl would be lucky to have him and I got to enjoy over a year with him, so I count myself pretty darn lucky, even if I don't get to have him anymore.
I love you Max, but I'm going to do my best to wait on God instead of banging my head against that love hoping something will work out. The Beatles are liars, or else Max and I would have stayed together. There was plenty of love, but that's not all you need after-all. So here's to singleness and trusting in God. I can't keep pining over and striving after someone who no longer wants to be with me. How pitiful that is... it takes two people to make a relationship, and if my second person has given up, then I am going to have to figure out a way to accept that... (and perhaps still hope that eventually he will change his mind, but not wait around miserably while hoping for that to happen). I'm going to have to find a way to live my life without fixating on how much I want things to be different.
I'm not even sure if this blog post makes sense.... it probably doesn't, but I feel better having written it.
I love Maxwell Jasper Flanders with all my heart, but if our love is meant to end, then God will help me get over it.
Facts to Remember:
God will give him back, or give me someone better
God has gotten me through lost love before
God's plan is what is best for me
God never breaks His promises
Psalm 37:4
New International Version (NIV)
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Proverbs 3:5-6
New International Version (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
1 Peter 5:7
New International Version (NIV)
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Romans 8:28
New International Version (NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Philippians 4:13
New King James Version (NKJV)
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Hang in there babe. Keep trusting in God; He will get you through this.
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