Inspiration

Does anyone else have this problem? My brain is constantly churning with whimsical artistic thoughts and impulses, ethereal images dance across my consciousness throughout my day and I wish nothing more than to be able to convey their intensity and grace  to those around me, or maybe even just to myself. I don't need people to see them necessarily, I just want to be able to recreate in the tangible realm those things that I see behind my eyes.

You might say: well then just do it! Draw, paint, photograph, dance, sing, write, you have the means, so where's the issue? In any case that's what I say to myself. I am a decent artist, not great, but decent. I have a fairly large vocabulary, I have a camera, I have mobility, I have a voice, I have hands, I have dreams... but still I have yet to capture my imagination through any of these tools/outlets. The "things" I produce NEVER compare to the  fantasies of my mind. It is BEYOND frustrating. Often times I don't even attempt anymore. I'll dream up some breathtaking idea for a sketch, start to think about how to go about transferring it to one of my sketch books, and then decide to do something else since I will only be disappointed with my ineptitude and shortcomings once again. This is NOT a constructive response, as now I'm not even practicing drawing much anymore. I mean of course I doodle non stop through my classes, but as far as actual thought out, time consuming, sketches and drawings, I VERY seldom even begin such an endeavor anymore. Even some of my favorite sketches and drawings lack something, something of the essence just doesn't come through. The life and mobility isn't transferred to my pencil lines. They lack the animation of life, the breathing, pulsating, consciousness of life. 

Perhaps I just need more practice, perhaps I'll never reach a level that satisfies the yearning I have, perhaps the subjects of my thoughts are beyond conveyance, perhaps they transcend earthly ability to produce in art... but more likely my ability is just insufficient and "I" am the only inhibitor. 

Sometimes basic errors are also present and frustrating (especially considering how often I draw in pen). This picture for example, has many errors. The neck is too long considering the angle of the head, her right thigh juts inward at an angle instead of gradually sloping into obscurity behind the knee and shin. The hands and feet are just wrong, and her arms are slightly different widths... on top of all this the image as a whole still fails to capture the wistful, distant idea of euphoria and escape mixed with the burden of suffering and solitude that I felt at the time. As you can probably tell by how long that last sentence was, my words also fail to convey my thoughts, but possibly the combination of my art and my words can give you a slightly clearer picture. This drawing was a result of depression, yearning for escape and separation from reality and the daily struggle for worldly value. 

Sometimes I wish I could somehow magically transport through space and time to a reality where I was blissfully married to the man of my dreams, where we lived a simple life, on an isolated tropical island (that neighbors an island with people in case I have a sudden yearning for a social encounter lol), in a hut, on a beach, without concern for money, jobs, or social acceptance. No big brother, and no monitoring. We'd have God (of course), each other, and the ocean (my favorite place on this planet, the entity that apart from all the fun, recreation, and exercise it provides, washes away my thoughts, my pain, my stress, soothing mind and body while allowing for reflection, and clarity).  This to me would be utopia (though I realize it is pure fantasy). 

Here are a few other drawings I'm not happy with lol. Enjoy and goodbye for now lol.