A note to everyone, anyone, and no one

Dear people and things who have hurt me,

Screw you. That's not nice to say but I don't care. I'm now crying for what? the third time today I believe? I've had massive meltdowns two days in a row now. & I mean absolute sobbing, stuttering, uncontrollable meltdowns. I hurt. You hurt me. 

There are many of you and you take different forms, and I resent all of them. Why? Why must you hurt me? Some of you, I gave you the power, I deluded myself into thinking things were honest and sincere when all along they were lies and I was just blind. The realization of this hurts. Like a knife being stabbed trough your gut, you take in a sharp breath; your brain is confused, trying to feel the pain of what happened and the shock of reality at once; misplaced trust, foolish undying faith in mankind. 

I gave all I could, I gave my loyalty, gave my trust, gave my sympathy, my compassion, gave freely believing that everyone strove to do the same. Expecting that upon receiving these things you would in turn treat me well and reciprocate. How could you absorb all the good I gave you and then shatter me so thoroughly? 

Don't you know that I do enough damage to myself without your help? Don't you know I'm a weak and wilting plant desperately straining to feel any iota of warmth from the sun through the slats in the roof I built that cages me in? I tried so hard, and still you trampled over me without a second thought. I'm not a creature of high self esteem, I have problems that go deeper than anyone sees, and I think low enough of myself as is. 

Why? WHY did you help? To put me in my place? To knock me down a peg? Did you think I was something I am not and somehow deserved or necessitated what you gave me? You broke me, you win. Are you satisfied? Are you oblivious? Are you indifferent? How could I mean nothing to you? to all of you? 

I maintained a glimmer of hope that though I find myself unworthy, perhaps you would disagree, why would you try to extinguish that faint hope? You've partially succeeded. The hope is now nigh infinitesimal. Struggling for survival, gasping for each ragged breath, clinging to existence through sheer desperation and will. Will you attempt to finish what you started? Or can you realize you've done enough?

You call me special and play you're part so well, fully deceive me and my weak flesh is persuaded; I believe you, not because you are so great and not because you will necessarily benefit me, but more because I so desperately want you to be the answer. To be the healer. The band-aid. The fix for what is broken in me. To be what I am not for myself...

The flaw is in me. You mistreat me, but the flaw is in me. 

I was wrong to expect anything better; wrong to assume you could love what I so often don't; wrong to think you were capable of anything more than seeking to fulfill carnal desires and instinctual needs; wrong to think you would care. What am I that you should love me? I am nothing. Nothing, but another wretched soul stranded on this Earth for an unknown yet undeniably finite period in time. Why was I naive, foolish, stupid, deluded, blind, pathetic enough to believe you would give better than what you gave?

Misplaced trust, misplaced hope, misplaced loyalty,  misplaced devotion; misplaced love. God is the only one who can give me what I seek. The only one capable of unconditional love, perfect sacrifice, healing, assurance, grace, peace; the only one who can give me a sense of worth and a purpose for continuing this struggle. The only one worth living for. God grant me the wisdom, the courage, and the diligence to seek You instead of those who hurt. Give me peace that You are enough, that I am not and never will be alone as long as I have You. You are the sole being who will never let me down nor forsake me. Will never insult, batter, bruise, abandon; shatter me for the sake of  some twisted satisfaction or any other reason for that matter. So many people have hurt me, but You will never. May I always remember to cling to You when I am blind and in darkness. "Yesterday, today, forever, the world may change, but You will never; glory to Your name, glory to Your name." <-- Good song.

More songs that give me hope:

Hold On by Toby Mac

and

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North 
(This song has been my theme song for awhile now. Too often I am the girl in the verses, and I'm endeavoring to keep believing the truth of the chorus)

Depression Has A Hold On Me, But It Will Not Win.

Because, to quote a children's song "God is bigger than the boogie man, and He's bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on tv. Oh God is bigger than the boogie man and He's watching out for you and me." 

I still hurt, and I am still broken, but I must pull myself together and start working toward healing with Him who can do all things.