I haven't decided what to write about yet

If you don't know me, you might not know this, but I am a TERRIBLE planner lol. I really do not do well with making itineraries, schedules, or outlines, which many people find odd considering I have OCD... but anyway, the thing of it is, I prefer not to think too hard about something too far out. Some things require planning, but those things are far fewer than people think. In my experience most things can be successfully navigated impulsively. Like this post... okay I am not going to be so bold as to say that this post is successful, but it is definitely unplanned. The title box at the top was a bit intimidating, I looked at it thinking it would be easy enough and then just continued to stare at it for quite awhile; I decided maybe I'd make it something random and then write a post about that subject... well that brought to mind assorted things including pizza. I thought about how much I'd like for the title to be pizza, but then I was thinking about it and just couldn't do it, because I didn't want to write a whole post just about pizza or even a little about pizza, so I gave up title hunting and picked the truth. I also considered writing this post and then coming up with an appropriate title afterward, but I think that would be cheating, so I didn't. Anyway one of my favorite kinds of pizza is a thin crust pepperoni pineapple pizza, it's very tasty. 

So now that we've got the matter of the title out of the way, let's see if I can find something perhaps a bit more interesting to talk about, but I make no promises. So today was my first day back in my hometown in quite some time. I slept in quite late in the day and woke up to the bizarre fact that I was the only one home, I guess I had just gotten so used to my grandparents always being around when I was living with them that I forgot that my siblings have school, my mom teaches, and my dad goes to work during the day and therefore I (waiting for classes to start again on the 23rd) would be utterly alone when I awoke. I walked through each room in the house to confirm this... I don't know why (I knew where they all were), but I did anyway. I had a couple hours to myself where I caught up on emails and chatted with some friends, but then around 4:20 I had to get some work done. Ran an errand, washed my car, picked up my sister and her friends, dropped off her friends, picked up my brother, bought dinner, and then we all went to our church. My sister and I volunteered in the children's (<--um.... apparently that is not a word.... I disagree, the end) program and my brother went to the youth group. It was really awesome to see everyone; they were all so excited to see me after my stint away. I really felt loved, and the little kids in my group were awesome! I love children, they are so carefree, which is an enviable quality. I remember fondly those days and miss them often. Don't get me wrong, I still do many of the same things, but now there's also responsibility and finances in the background (oi!). & you know the whole time I was volunteering with the children tonight, I didn't think about the past week and a half of pain and confusion AT ALL!!! It was awesome. I am finding that I think about the events that transpired less and less all the time, and when I do think about them it's not in a negative or self loathing light, but just pondering. 2 weeks ago if I had been told what would happen, I wouldn't have believed it, and the thought alone would have made me panicked; I thought I would be devastated, would need therapy, would crawl into a dark corner and rock back and forth clutching my knees mumbling incoherently until I managed to fade into the background. In fact when I first found out, I did clutch my knees and rock, and sob, and repeat through my blubbering that it couldn't be true, that I needed it not to be, and I freaked out a fair bit; afterward I was a "hobo" for 4 days, barely functioning, and wearing nothing but sweats, lying in bed zoning out, and working mindlessly on my first quilt (for my soon to arrive baby cousin). But having gotten through those days, gone to Utah for a funeral, spent time with family, served others who were grieving, and finally come back home to my loving community, I think I have reached a point of nearly full recovery. I am not the same as before of course, I have learned many things, and become more guarded, but I am healed of the hurt. Praise God. 

I don't know how that last paragraph got so heavy... I was just trying to say that I had a pleasantly busy day today, really enjoyed working with the lovely little kids at church, and love my family and friends. Haha well I guess it must have needed to be said or I wouldn't have typed it. 

Ugh I wanna be random and funny before I end this post lol, but I'm just getting WAY too tired. I need to sleep and soon. So I will leave you with this: I love my life and everyone in it and I do not regret the past, everything I have done has made me the person I am today, and well I'm pretty content with the person I am today. Even though I talk too much, and have COUNTLESS other flaws... I am learning to love myself and I hope that you all love yourselves too!! & if not I understand, but at least work on it :) 

I will perhaps be funny in my next post lol; sorry if this one was a disappointment. 

Until next time ...(totally just flashed on Dragon Tales!!!! Anyone else ever watch that show?)

(Added 11:37am the next day): WOW I must have been even more tired than I thought last night, because I made SO many typos! I'm going through and editing them out right now, but if you find any more let me know ^-^