Oh the Joys of Job Hunting

So, it's now July 12th, 2011... We're just past the halfway point of a the year and about a third of the way through my summer vacation. Great math skills right? Well anyway the point would be, only 2/3s of my summer left and I STILL don't have a job (-__-). 

I am SO not a fan of job searching. I hate wandering into places to do something that is not the intended use of the place. Like walking into a restaurant to ask for an application... restaurants are for ordering food; when you walk into one, the people expect you to want food. You're job when you first walk into a restaurant is to tell them how many people you have so that you can be seated, not to turn the tables on them and ask them a question they or may not know the answer to (most questions asked of me when I was a hostess were ones that I could not answer -__- they always want to know such ridiculously OBSCURE things and I want to know where they get the idea that I would know the answer?) But anyway, getting distracted there, I don't like being the person to throw them a curve-ball, even if they are perfectly capable of handling it.

I also hate going to a company for followups. I went to several today and every time I asked to see a manager and every time the employees asked me why, and then didn't let me see a manager (-__-). Apparently Kohl's doesn't care if you walk in to introduce yourself and followup; they don't want to know you. They just want your application and they "will call you" if they pick you (and IF they're hiring) for a group interview. Okay fine Kohl's whatever; I will wait around for you to decide your ready, meanwhile my funds are dwindling. Luckily I got my last pay check for my job at UCR a week ago and haven't deposited it yet, so that's guaranteed money to tide me over till I can start earning some more, but it wasn't much of a paycheck since it was for an incomplete month. 

So then I walked to another store... Old Navy I think, because I had applied to two "open" positions online and wanted to followup, and they said since they were NOT hiring anytime soon because they were done for the season, there was no need to speak to a manager, and that in a few months someone might get back to me about it (-__-).

I went to so many places today. Turned in an application to Tilly's; tried to follow up on Kohl's, and Old Navy; asked about applying to: Ross, Styles For Less, Petco, Payless, TjMaxx, and more; still need to followup with Michael's; still need to apply online for: Styles For Less, Payless, TjMaxx, Ross, Petco, Famous Footwear, Sports Chalet, Target, and... ugh I forget where else, I'll have to check my notes. But anyway, you get the picture. Job hunting is a TON of work, and I'm not exactly a too hopeful about it after how LAST summer went :/ ... at least this year I have work experience.

So yeah... anyway... I need work, I need to make money, and I need to start saving money, before I go back to classes in the fall. Anybody need a babysitter? Babysitting was always my primary income as a preteen. I love kids and I can drive to you, so if you have kids and need a day/night to yourself or know someone who does, please hit me up! My rates are low and I have a ton of experience with children of all ages. I have taught Sunday School classes, volunteered in the church nursery, have worked with kids from newborn to high school age, and have a baby sister of my own, so I am well qualified. Let me know if you could use my help.

Well, now I probably sound a little desperate and I guess I  am; I need to start saving money for my own life. I'm going to be twenty this year and my parents still pay for the bulk of my expenses... I am ashamed of this fact, but as yet have no way of changing it. If you have odd jobs that you need done and don't want to do, please consider me. I can Spackle, paint, clean, wield a pickax, a hammer, a shovel, anything at all, mow lawns, (I know I am a girl, but I'm no stranger to manual labor), bind quilts, bake, care for animals while you're on vacation, etc. You name it. 

Okay that's enough. I suppose I shouldn't be using my blog to ask for employment opportunities lol... but hey what the heck, it's my blog, and it's worth a shot! 

Oh and another thing I HATE about job searching, and more specifically interviews... "selling myself." I hate bragging about myself and what I am good at. I hate answering the questions like are you a harder worker than other people? Would you say you're a leader? Blah blah blah blah blah. Why do I have to compare myself to other people and brag about myself? I feel SO BEYOND conceited whenever I'm being interviewed and I try so hard not to be that I think I probably undersell myself and leave employers feeling less than impressed. I don't want to tell you how great I think I am, I want to work for you and then you can make your own judgement. 

If only the world didn't revolve around money :/

Anybody else feel this way?

Thank you as always for your continued support and readership (^_^)

Love You All  

A note to everyone, anyone, and no one

Dear people and things who have hurt me,

Screw you. That's not nice to say but I don't care. I'm now crying for what? the third time today I believe? I've had massive meltdowns two days in a row now. & I mean absolute sobbing, stuttering, uncontrollable meltdowns. I hurt. You hurt me. 

There are many of you and you take different forms, and I resent all of them. Why? Why must you hurt me? Some of you, I gave you the power, I deluded myself into thinking things were honest and sincere when all along they were lies and I was just blind. The realization of this hurts. Like a knife being stabbed trough your gut, you take in a sharp breath; your brain is confused, trying to feel the pain of what happened and the shock of reality at once; misplaced trust, foolish undying faith in mankind. 

I gave all I could, I gave my loyalty, gave my trust, gave my sympathy, my compassion, gave freely believing that everyone strove to do the same. Expecting that upon receiving these things you would in turn treat me well and reciprocate. How could you absorb all the good I gave you and then shatter me so thoroughly? 

Don't you know that I do enough damage to myself without your help? Don't you know I'm a weak and wilting plant desperately straining to feel any iota of warmth from the sun through the slats in the roof I built that cages me in? I tried so hard, and still you trampled over me without a second thought. I'm not a creature of high self esteem, I have problems that go deeper than anyone sees, and I think low enough of myself as is. 

Why? WHY did you help? To put me in my place? To knock me down a peg? Did you think I was something I am not and somehow deserved or necessitated what you gave me? You broke me, you win. Are you satisfied? Are you oblivious? Are you indifferent? How could I mean nothing to you? to all of you? 

I maintained a glimmer of hope that though I find myself unworthy, perhaps you would disagree, why would you try to extinguish that faint hope? You've partially succeeded. The hope is now nigh infinitesimal. Struggling for survival, gasping for each ragged breath, clinging to existence through sheer desperation and will. Will you attempt to finish what you started? Or can you realize you've done enough?

You call me special and play you're part so well, fully deceive me and my weak flesh is persuaded; I believe you, not because you are so great and not because you will necessarily benefit me, but more because I so desperately want you to be the answer. To be the healer. The band-aid. The fix for what is broken in me. To be what I am not for myself...

The flaw is in me. You mistreat me, but the flaw is in me. 

I was wrong to expect anything better; wrong to assume you could love what I so often don't; wrong to think you were capable of anything more than seeking to fulfill carnal desires and instinctual needs; wrong to think you would care. What am I that you should love me? I am nothing. Nothing, but another wretched soul stranded on this Earth for an unknown yet undeniably finite period in time. Why was I naive, foolish, stupid, deluded, blind, pathetic enough to believe you would give better than what you gave?

Misplaced trust, misplaced hope, misplaced loyalty,  misplaced devotion; misplaced love. God is the only one who can give me what I seek. The only one capable of unconditional love, perfect sacrifice, healing, assurance, grace, peace; the only one who can give me a sense of worth and a purpose for continuing this struggle. The only one worth living for. God grant me the wisdom, the courage, and the diligence to seek You instead of those who hurt. Give me peace that You are enough, that I am not and never will be alone as long as I have You. You are the sole being who will never let me down nor forsake me. Will never insult, batter, bruise, abandon; shatter me for the sake of  some twisted satisfaction or any other reason for that matter. So many people have hurt me, but You will never. May I always remember to cling to You when I am blind and in darkness. "Yesterday, today, forever, the world may change, but You will never; glory to Your name, glory to Your name." <-- Good song.

More songs that give me hope:

Hold On by Toby Mac

and

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North 
(This song has been my theme song for awhile now. Too often I am the girl in the verses, and I'm endeavoring to keep believing the truth of the chorus)

Depression Has A Hold On Me, But It Will Not Win.

Because, to quote a children's song "God is bigger than the boogie man, and He's bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on tv. Oh God is bigger than the boogie man and He's watching out for you and me." 

I still hurt, and I am still broken, but I must pull myself together and start working toward healing with Him who can do all things.

Gone

The things of the past feel like a fading dream. Like when you wake up from one so vivid you're convinced it's real, until the new reality begins to set in... you try to think back over what just transpired in your slumbering mind and find that all that remains are wispy shadowy phantoms hollowly calling to you from a distant realm in the dark... a haunted voice, it doesn't quite scare you, but leaves you feeling utterly alone and empty but for the yearning desire to give life to the dream, the memory, the phantoms, once again.

Scenery fades out, blends into the distance, everything is gone, but the darkness remains. It's encroaching, and thick all around, separating you from the past, the people, the old realities, faint pantomimes through the ethereal fog. You try to run back to them, embrace them, relive them, revel in them... but the darkness of the present reality holds you back; restrains you. You fight back, struggle against the resistance, defiantly rebel against what is, in an effort to rejoin what was. You're helpless and the phantoms are still fading, you surge forward with one last desperate burst and manage to move an inch closer, you've won! A glimpse is caught! A memory washes over you....

But it's incomplete... it's broken; not the same; not what you wanted; not how you envisioned, it's as empty as you are. A hollow shell of what once was so fulfilling. What you long for remains unattainable. Your struggle was for naught; even as you attempt to savor the morsel of memory, it begins to dissipate, back into the air, returning to the shadows, becoming the darkness, retreating from you. Taunting you with the vague remnants of recollection, still beckoning as it slips further and further away. You stretch to your limit, clutching desperately at the smoky tendrils. The sound of an old music box and surreal laughter whisper across your thoughts and gently imprint on your mind...

It is gone. 

They are gone.

*YOU* - as you were - are gone.

The sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings are gone. 

They cannot come back. 

You cannot bring them back.

Gone

......

Did they even exist? 

*Yes

Are you sure? 

*Yes... I remember...

Do you? 

*Yes, I.. I know I do! Somewhere... they were once so vivid, so fresh!

But now?

*Well... they're still there; somewhere. Just... out of reach, but still close. A ghost of the past floating on the edge of my consciousness. Always just out of reach. A vapor hovering over me, intangible, but... but still there... I miss them. 

Who?

*The people of the past.

...

The relatives so recently gone. 

The friendships once so strong. 

The person I used to be.

and

The things that once made me, me

All are sorely missed


R.I.P to those of you who meant and mean so much to me. 
8 family members in one year.
The mark of death is still so vividly present on all those who remain. The grief still fresh, the loss still stifling.


Memories are all that we have now.
Memories, and the pieces of themselves they gave to us before they passed on.
I love you
<3


(It is now, March 21, 2011: and 8 were not all that were lost in that single year, more followed those, and still more have gone in just these short three months of 2011. Yet still we keep on)

June 13th, 2013 - We lost my beautiful Aunt Traci after a valiant two year battle with cancer that doctors said should have killed her in just 2 months. She fought hard and inspired many. As a family we will strive to make her death mean something. To make all these deaths mean something. People my age are always surprised by how much death I've seen, these are not just names from a photo album that no longer have a living body attached. Not just faces that fade from the family parties and reunions. They all meant so much to so many, and their deaths have changed me forever in various ways. If you're struggling with the death of a loved one, just remember, what's done is done and can't be changed, but we can always seek ways of making it count. Write down all your good memories of them. Try hard to remember obscure stories! As the life fades, your memory will, and increasingly with age, so write them down, make a record of the joy they added to your life and then make their life, and death mean something.
Make it count.

I love you Aunt Traci, say hi to everyone for me <3

Rawrms :/

Sometimes I get frustrated.... communication breaks down, so much is misunderstood, even allies torpedo your chances of coping at times....

On my own I am content, I love my life, I love God, I feel that I am stable, I have my issues, (don't we all?) but I get through them with His help. But add other people to the equation, and there's problems... lots of them.

Am I a failed communicator? I talk all the time. Something's not working, something's wrong, people don't understand where I'm coming from, often things are projected on me that I don't feel, I need to be better. I need to make people know, need to convey what's inside better.

Ugh, I need to figure out how to fit again, I need to learn how to be part of this team again. This will be a difficult road. How do I make what's become independent return to a leashed, repressed role of submission and subordination? *It* feels that *it* is capable of standing alone, in fact *it* has had the chance to demonstrate *its* ability; *it* doesn't want to be reigned back in, *it's* fighting me, *it* wants back what *it* had for a fleeting time; *it* doesn't understand that this is a necessity, that *it* NEEDS to go back in the box and keep dormant until the point where my finances are sufficient to support and sustain *it* for the long haul. *It* needs to behave, to stop protesting and just get back in the box.

Ya... well anyway. This day will end soon and tomorrow will hopefully be better.

Laterz

Hello : )

Okay this is going to be really brief, but I just wanted to say hello and welcome!! It has been an excruciatingly long weekend, and well a long week too... lots of devastation and tragedy this past week... Anyway, even though it's only 1am, I am EXHAUSTED!!! & I've got another long day ahead of me tomorrow, so I just wanted to get my inaugural post up so that you as readers know (if anyone happens across this), that this isn't a phantom blog, I will be posting, and I am excited to do so. If anyone is reading this, I hope you come to enjoy my blog :)

Oh my, I just realized the first bit of that sounded really emo or something... I'm a very happy-go-lucky, energetic and effervescent (as a friend of mine ones (ONCE* omg I just noticed this -_- and it's November 22) described me), person. I love my life and the people in it, but this week has been a real roller coaster and everyone's world gets rocked sometimes. But, this was not a good rocking like something incredibly awesome that rocked your world; no. It was more like a village of angry farmers came after me with a bunch of rocks and just pelted me with them, and I endured the first wave pretty well, but just when I was staggering to my feet seeing that the villagers had seemingly dispersed, one last disgruntled man hit me over the head with a boulder and I fell to the ground and just stayed there sprawled out for a long while before I began to recover enough to crawl back to my home, and I am now beginning to heal with the help of my friends and family, and most importantly God, but I am still badly wounded and may remain so for quite sometime. At some future point I will probably spill about what events those rocks and the boulder represent, but not now, because  I REALLY do need to sleep! (Oh and p.s. when I capitalize a word-- like I just did with really-- it doesn't mean I am yelling that word, I am just heavily emphasizing it okay? If I was yelling I'd print in all caps AND put plenty of exclamation points at the end lol. But if it's just exclamation points that means I'm just excited or in a hyper mood.... anyway you'll come to know my nuances with time, provided you hang around :)

Thank you so much for reading!!! (I know you read this and I can thank you, because guess what.... in order to receive these thanks you'd have to READ them hahahaha.... oh my I am WAY too tired!!! I'm being a bit nuerodic neurodic nureodic nuerotic nurotic neurotic... (I was going to delete the other forms, but thought I'd show you the progression of me trying to figure out how to spell that word without cheating and using the spell checker-- the spell checker is cheating, because you don't have to do any work yourself; retyping different ways to spell the word and thinking about why you'd spell it the ways you did, helps you remember the word better in the future, in my experience).

But ya, once again, need to sleep, getting crazy, thanks for reading, goodbye for tonight. 

Come again XD

(haha, so much for the brevity I spoke of -__-)

New Thing! Here's me reading my blog post out loud for you! ^_^ According to my sister that's my reading voice and not my real voice though... so I guess I'll have to work on that haha. Enjoy!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPue6BkfT08