Progress

Do you, like me, ever sit around thinking about things you'd like to be able to do or do better, but then never get around to putting those wistful thoughts to work? 

I want to be able to more gymnastic maneuvers; my cousin was a cheerleader when we were kids and she would teach me tricks when she came over. I never took gymnastics, I was never in dance, or anything like that, but because of my cousin I learned to do cartwheels, certain feats of flexibility, basket tosses, back bends etc. (I "learned" to do the splits by doing a cartwheel in the mud one day to impress my grandma, I slipped, and I have been able to do the splits in that direction -without stretching- every day since). 

But I've always wanted to be able to do back-walk-overs, a simple hand stand, maybe even a back handspring or a back flip... yet aside from practicing handstands against my bedroom wall, I've never done anything to progress toward accomplishing those things. 

I mentally set out to accomplish things, but rarely think of those things during my free time. I studied Mandarin all four years of my undergrad, but I'm not yet fluent and I am quickly forgetting much of what I learned. I plan to review all my old texts systematically and study with the Chinese computer learning program my dad bought me, but I haven't gotten around to either of those things. 

I want to get back in shape, but other than jogging up and down my stairs a few times a day, I've done little to that end. 

I want to finally learn how to slide on my long board so that I can check my speed on fast hills, I LIVE at the top of a decent enough hill, and I still haven't learned after two and a half years of skating. 

I keep going through the motions of preparing myself to get a job, but do I have a new job yet? No. And the number of applications I've actually put in is pitiful. 

I still haven't sent thank you cards to all the generous people who thought of me during my graduation back in June, which is plain negligent and makes me seem ungrateful.

I want to start reading the Bible from the beginning, to study it more in depth and iron out/solidify my beliefs. 

I LOVE dancing. I dance every day without fail whether it be a few silly moves as I bee bop around my house or a performance I've worked on for awhile. I want that to be something real and significant in my life. I want to take some real classes, find a dance crew/troupe/company to become a part of and I want to perform regularly in various styles of dance. 

I constantly imagine clothing ideas and designs I'd like to wear. I own fabric scissors, scrap fabric, and sewing materials, and I have a grandmother who owns her own quilting business and is skilled in making clothing. Why am I afraid to experiment? Why don't I at least TRY to create one of the ideas in my head?

(I know part of the answer to that already. I am a perfectionist who grew up poor, and am both too afraid of messing up and too afraid of wasting materials to start something I'm not certain I can accomplish satisfactorily)

I want to take my art to the next level. Want to explore my painting abilities and new mediums as up till now I have been to afraid to venture out, and limit my art to doodles on a notebook page for the most part. I want to be able to produce pieces that someone would desire to own and display. Not because I want the money, but because I want to know my art means something to someone other than just me. 

In the same line, I want to become a better writer. I can wax eloquent or intellectual when needed, I always got outstanding marks in school, and when I take the time and put in the effort I can occasionally even accomplish a borderline poetic profundity. But the vast majority of the time I just spit out words as I think them, with little thought to diction other than "Don't use that "good" word more than once, or at least not more than twice!" I could produce a higher quality if I took the time, but more often I wait so long in between writings that I just want to get some thoughts out and fast; the result is an onslaught of half-executed thoughts in type face. 

I could go on ad nauseum, but I think I'll stop there. The fact is, I am very ambitious in my thoughts, but there is a consistent disconnect between those thoughts and the actions necessary to accomplish them. It's not that I don't know how to get where I want, it's that I don't do the work necessary for whatever reason. 

Time to find that reason and start living the life I want to live as the person I want to be! 

No excuses. No more fear of failure.

Time to start living and learning purposefully.

Awake Again

Awake again. 

I stare searching for something; stagnating in silence

Refusing sleep even as it overtakes me

.Like any obstinate child. 

.Insomnia's an excuse; just a deflection from reality

.Ever-wishing to be and to get...

.Somewhere

In the dark, sleep is the enemy

No progress is made in slumber; resist, 

.Make the eyes stay open, keep the dreams at bay

.Every night spent awake is a morning put off.

Why shut out the dreams, why stave off the morning? 

How have 'new beginnings' lost their allure?

Yearning only for an accomplished reality, no longer the journey there.

Too aware of past let downs, realities that steal possibilities, mistakes that are inescapable. A future that promises hope and wonder, but my mind sees an oasis projected onto perception by a mere mirage. The future is foggy and illusive and I've known so many sure things to give way. Shocks and pains that stay. They last day after whiled away day. Attempting to hide in my subconscious. Myriad unprocessed experiences coalesce into one imposing entity. Making a home for itself down deep in the synapses and locked away clutter. Pushing out "insomnia," "boredom," "I'm just a night owl, always have been" as its cover. It burrows ever deeper. Deflection. I am evading myself, and convincing others I believe my own 'simple explanations for all this.'

Don't look at it! Who knows how big it's grown, how deep it's gone, how much is yet unknown! If you unleash it, you'll have to battle it on your own, and you don't have time for that. 
You're striving, searching, seeking a better tomorrow, the secret pathway, the back door, the password. Trying to just GET THERE, and THEN there will be time to... no, STOP! 
It's a lie. There will never be time. Life doesn't throw barrels at you while you run up a series of slopes and ladders trying to just overcome and get there! When you get to the top of that slope, you don't win, you don't save the day, and you defintiely don't kick your feet up and suddenly live in leisure and luxury.
No, life rushes you on to the next level. ALWAYS. Life is perpetual, we keep going no matter where we are. 
The entity in my head, so desperate to disappear, becomes more convincing. Burrowing into my psyche, I believe I can put things off, push them out, put them in the storage shed until I get to "THAT PLACE" with more time, and better circumstances. I believe I can put off the morning if I can just keep typing. I can be "Fine" if I just ignore it hard enough, if I look away...
I'm sure plenty of people are worse off anyway...

Summer

Summer time

It's pretty awesome, but a lot less productive than I'd like. I graduated. I no longer have a job as I worked at my college. I am an adult, but I live with my parents. I turned down my grad school offer for a bevy of reasons, and I have to wait to start my credential program till January. I have several goals I'd like to meet by the end of summer. 

I want to (big goals): 

Get a job in San Marcos

Find a place to live in San Marcos

Move to San Marcos

Start saving money and paying down my student loans

I want to (smaller goals):

Spend time with friends I've neglected

Get rid of all the crap I don't use/wear/need/like anymore

Streamline and simplify my life

Find a dance class

Improve on my skating 

Live more healthily 

Cut people who don't value me out of my life

Stop trying so hard to keep people in my life who don't want to be there

Buy a better phone (after the job goal is accomplished)

Spend more time doing what I legitimately enjoy instead of whiling away hours on Facebook 

There, now it's all written down. Can't get around it now right? Well that's the theory anyway. Okay, so now that that's out of the way. Let's talk about what I've done so far with my summer. 

TONS of laundry for one thing lol. 1 maybe 2 loads left to go until it's ALL washed. I have a TON of clothes I've realized. Which is interesting considering I only consistently wear one load's worth of laundry. All the other clothes I own are completely ignored unless I'm out of alternatives. Why is this the case? Because every time I try to get rid of clothes I feel like I'm gonna want this for some niche thing at some point and that I'm going to be upset when that one situation comes up and  don't have that article of clothing anymore. This has happened on rare occasions, but is really a non-issue. I have so far set aside 2 or 3 loads of laundry worth of clothes to sell or give away and will add to that amount as I continue to go through my clothes. The idea is to get rid of all the things I don't LOVE so that I can then buy things I actually like and/or need and have room to put them away. Plus who needs 40 t-shirts? 

I have never ending amounts of generic t-shirts from teams, clubs, and events, and yet I only have 3 pairs of jeans.... two of those pairs have holes in them and the third pair is too short, so I can only wear them with high tops or boots... my wardrobe lacks purpose haha. Going to fix that. 

Aside from laundry, I have cleaned and organized my room for the most part. I am 90% finished. For those of you who saw it the weekend of my party and are wondering what the remaining 10% could possibly refer to since my room was immaculate... I may have cheated for that weekend. That last 10% of chaos was hidden in my closet and in the storage units under my bed lol. Addressing that last 10% this week. I've also done chores for my mom. Washed windows, swept sidewalks, cleaned bathrooms, done dishes, etc. 

Okay I'm being boring. I've also gone to my first major league baseball game! Angels v. Mariners. It was a boring game (1-0), but it was fun hanging out with my best friend and having that experience. I've also seen at least 30 movies (only one of those in a movie theater lest you think I'm blowing endless amounts of money on overpriced tickets haha). Saw Despicable Me 2 which was SUPER cute and funny. Went wine tasting. Ate at Pat & Oscars for the first time. Had a lovely dinner at CPK. Went swing dancing. Went to an awesome BBQ/pool party for a friend's graduation. Played with fireworks for the first time. Learned to make single-serving brownies in under 10 minutes! Ate tons of delicious food, prepared by tons of loving relatives. Met new people. Went swimming quite a few times. Went to the mall with my best friend (marking my... MAYBE 10th time at the mall ever haha). Played tons of board games. And I'm definitely going to spend several of the next few days at the beach with friends! ^_^

Summer is pretty great, even with looming worries, responsibilities, and sorrows. Pushing to find that balance between work and play. Gotta cut back on the internet and tv hours, stay active and live a life I can be proud of! 

Sorry for being HORRIBLY inconsistent in posting here (as usual), and for writing a boring first post back, but maybe now that I have some more free time, I'll post more often and be more entertaining lol. 

Hope you're all enjoying your summers! Thanks for reading :)

Wake-up Call

Wake-up calls,

I'm gettin em, but I'm ignorin em. I wanna roll over and press snooze on life. I wanna delay and put off and enjoy what there is to enjoy and be productive, moral, healthy, __fill in the blank__ LATER!
 Sleeping: every morning I hit snooze at least twice, I want to SLEEP even just minutes more, any little bit more I can get in my bed. I want more! More dreams, more snuggles under my covers, more time with warm fuzzy pillows against my face and cushiony mattress under me. But do I invest my time the night before going to bed earlier to get that extra time? Or do I try to steal it from the next day's events... the latter. I'm stealing from my days every morning when I hit snooze and I'm stealing from my days when I'm staying up late the night before.
 Homework: Am I putting in the consistent effort day by day, or am I cramming when a test approaches? YIKES!!! That reminds me I have a quiz on Friday and I OF COURSE haven't done the reading -__- ugh. Case and point.
 Eating: Am I packing snacks and eating healthful meals and snacks every couple hours, or am I starving myself till my late lunch and eating extra to compensate for the first half of the day and hold me over through the second half until I can get home at midnight or thereabouts and raid the fridge for whatever my family may have cooked and left in there for me.
 Cleaning: Do I pick up my couple of things at the end each day and tidy up so that my room, my car, my bathroom, etc stay clean? Or do I toss things aside and lay my stuff here and there saying I'll get to it later until I'm forced to sit down one day and spend HOURS cleaning properly so that all my possessions look as they should?
 Praying: I'm realizing I haven't prayed in X amount of days and doing marathon prayers for every little thing I can think of, instead of taking time out each day to devote to the various topics that I should be praying about. For example! My best friend is currently in South Africa, she'll be there for the next few months, and I should definitely be praying for her and the work they're doing there. There are hundreds of things I want to pray for, but I'm losing focus on who I'm praying to! God's not an ATM, He's a loving father looking out for my best... 

I'm sure there are more examples, but the point is:

I need to fix my perspectives and my behavior and break out of this cycle of barely making it by and always being behind. I don't want to play catch up on life anymore.

Audience Art & 9 followers!

Okay, so my friend Ely brought it to my attention that I had not yet posted the submissions from the art challengey thingy. Where I asked you guys to use your art (any style, medium, etc) to create a representation of me or how you see me. I'm not sure if I found them all.... Facebook makes going back in time to look for specific things very difficult these days. In any case, here are all the submissions I could find. If I get more submissions I'll make a post, so if this sounds like something you'd like to participate in (winner gets a prize), then go ahead and send me yours!!! Draw, paint, sing, dance, whatever it is you do, and create ME so I can see me through you!
Thanks much readers!

This first one was done by my dear friend Ely. She says about the piece:

"I'm so excited to show this to you! This is you 

dancing with God.He said He'd tell you what it

means, though,beyond that. :) I tried to give you a 

nice butt since I hear you have one, but since I 

haven't been ogling yours (swear) and have no idea 

what constitutes a nice butt, I had to guess. Haha."

This one was drawn by my 10 year old sister, Katelynn (I WISH I was that cute! lol I tried to replicate the face in the drawing):

Drawn by my amigo Lawton ^_^:

Done by my friend Nastazha; good words to remember:

Done by my Uncle Don. He took this photo at the zoo and then edited to look like he drew it lol:

OHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & I has a new follower/subscriber!!! WOO WOO!!!! Everyone welcome demonstratively committed reader #9!!!! 9 is 3 squared. That's two threes, three times three, but it can also be three threes: three + three + three. WHOAH!!! Just drifted off to sleep, woke up to myself trying to overpower my laptop, in my dream I was wrestling someone lol. Anyway, three is a magic number, and when you square it, it makes nine which is a handy little number. Has tricks for all it's multiples and is so narcissistic that it forces all it's multiples' digits to add up to 9 again. 18... 1+9, 27... 2+7, 36... 3+6, etc! So you can multiply a nine by anything and you will still get a nine!!!! Magic-y!!! Now I will share this awesomeness with you: Three is a Magic Number

And here is a list of all the songs on my favorite SchoolHouseRock Rocks CD as a kid (my favorite song was Electricity): 

1. Schoolhouse Rocky (Original Theme Music) - Bob Dorough And Friends

2. I'm Just A Bill - Deluxx Folk Implosion

3. Three Is A Magic Number - Blind Melon

4. Conjunction Junction - Better Than Ezra

5. Electricity, Electricity - Goodness

6. No More Kings - Pavement

7. The Shot Heard Round The World - Ween

8. My Hero, Zero - Lemonheads

9. The Energy Blues - Biz Markie

10. Little Twelvetones - Chavez

11. Verb: That's Whats Happening - Moby

12. Interplanet Janet - Man Or Astro-Man

13. Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here - Buffalo Tom

14. Unpack Your Adjectives - Daniel Johnston

The album cover ^^

Thank you bennysjewelry for becoming my newest subscriber/follower!!! And the first subscriber that I don't know outside of the internet! Woo woo!!! Family and friends following me is awesome too, but a stranger following me? Well THAT'S COOL in my book ^_^ hehehe. Wins. Thank you for your support and I hope you enjoy my blog.

Alright, time to knock out people! TTYL (TYPE To You Later! hehe XD)